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Archive for the ‘Self Discovery’ Category

Look at how pretty this PSL is! Now I'm going to DRINK IT!

Look at how pretty this PSL is! It can’t be THAT bad for me… right?

The last couple months have been more eventful than I can cover in one blog post. Between health shifts and family drama, my life has been one resurrected evil twin away from a daytime soap opera.

However, that hasn’t been the main reason for my writing hiatus.  No, it’s more due to the fact that I can’t drink coffee anymore. At least, I can’t drink caffeinated coffee which is really the only kind that matters.

A couple months back I figured out that I had adrenal fatigue. Nothing deadly as long as you get it early but it means I had to cut sugar, caffeine, and alcohol right out of my diet. Unless you’re close to death I would never recommend doing this. I’m not going to sugar coat this guys, (haha, sugar coat, get it? Get the pun? *sobs*) not having caffeine or wine in my life has been a major life change. I’m not saying I’m an alcoholic but I will fully admit to being a caffeine-addict.

The thing is, these two things were my basic gifts to me. Neither of them costs a lot (though wowza, it adds up over time) and they both made me happier on bad days and pretty danged spiffy on the good days. I relied on coffee (Soy Americano Mistos with chocolate and cinnamon on top, specifically) and a good glass of wine as my stress relief and gratification for being an adult. Do you know what it’s like to have the two things that hit that pleasure center in your brain taken away??? Sorry, I sound intense about it but that’s because I AM INTENSE ABOUT IT. I essentially had to retrain my brain to deal with stress, sadness, anxiety, and the concept of rewarding myself in a completely different way.

I honestly don't know how parents do it. I can barely take care of myself!

I honestly don’t know how parents do it. I can barely take care of myself!

So now, I watch Bubbles longingly as she drinks wine and I drink decaf coffee. Yes. Decaf coffee. I make sure it’s swiss water organic and you know, it’s not… all bad. I’m not going to tell you that I want to drink it forever but every night I relax with a cup of decaf coffee and I’m grateful to at least have that.

The other downside to not being able to drink real coffee (other than not being able to drink real coffee) is that I really wasn’t sure if I was going to be able to write. Coffee has always been half of my muse. Anytime and every time I wanted to sit down and write I had a good cup of coffee beside me. In fact, I normally went through a couple cups of coffee in one writing session. It got my brain going and my fingers moving. It made me focused and sparked my imagination to create, invent, and breathe life into stories and characters. It opened up whole new worlds of possibilities.

edb6cb91d065fa2c135fcb8f9538d830Without coffee I was worried all the words were going to turn to dust in my head. I wondered if all the voices were going to go silent and all the colors in life would seep away. It terrified me. Writing has been a part of my life since I was 12 years old and probably before. It’s part of how I process and a huge part of how I cope. It also simply makes me happy.

I didn’t even try to write for those first two months. Frankly, even if I’d wanted to I didn’t have the energy to know where to begin. Without my constant stimulant I was exhausted and left to deal with the reality of my energy levels, which were beyond low at that point. Everything was overwhelming. Getting up, getting dressed, and going to work seemed like Mount Everest. The fact that I had to feed myself seemed an unfair and impossible task. I was exhausted. I was also rather grumpy.

But I did it. I started drinking insane amounts of green tea since it was the only thing not banned on the list and I started getting healthy in a way I’d never tried before. I’m not saying I’m quite there yet. I still have at least 3-4 months to go before I can even begin to contemplate having some of my favorite treats again (though I do cheat here and there. Come on, Pumpkin Spice Lattes came back to Starbucks! Cut me some slack! I made it decaf AND half sweet!) but my energy levels are so much better than they used to be that I feel like a brand new person. And that person is less likely to take the quickest answer and more likely to really look for the right solution, even if it takes some time. 

I’ve also learned a lot in the last couple of months. I’ve learned how to slow down and have more patience, not just with myself but with the life around me. I’m beginning to understand that good things can take time and those things are definitely worth waiting and working for. It’s so easy to get into the grind of rushing through things without taking the time to experience life and really appreciate the smaller things. Besides all that it did sort of fit into my, “Learn how to love me” year. No better way to learn about yourself than to take away all the things you rely on.

And that leads us to today, right here and right now as I sit, typing away at my laptop, sans caffeine. Turns out the words are all still there. The wind that my creativity rides on is still flying and frankly, I think

Lighting one bulb at a time ;)

Lighting one bulb at a time 😉

it might be stronger than ever. I have a  little less time to write now as I need more rest and I have to make everything from scratch but things are settling down and fall is here! Nanowrimo is just around the corner (National Novel Writing Month if you’ve never heard of it, http://nanowrimo.org/) and I can’t tell you how excited I am. Bubbles is planning her wedding (Woot!), the training at my new job is almost done, and there are a lot of wonderful things on the horizon. So here we go, Alons-y as the Doctor used to say, and bring on the decaf!

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There’s a personality type out there that I’m growing increasingly interested in. They’re quiet, introspective, and extremely observant. In the past I’ve written them off as completely uninteresting. I was putting a blanket of boring over them because they didn’t immediately engage in my loud and witty (or so I thought) conversation. Who has time to just observe when you could be jumping into every experience possible?

I’m a little older now and, I hope, a little wiser. I’m looking back at my checkered past and I tend to be drawn to the same type of person. Outgoing, possibly obnoxious, loud, and wears their opinions on their forehead even if their heart isn’t on their sleeve.

let me love you

Don’t run, I just want to know your life!

Recently, I met someone who was happier to stay in the background and observe rather than share every single one of his opinions about life. There were only a few of us in the group and normally I would take this opportunity to push, prod, and completely antagonize this type of person in an attempt to make them feel comfortable and draw them out of the their guarded shell (if you knew my mother you would understand that I would think this was completely reasonable). In reading and observing more about people’s personalities I’m realizing I have probably traumatized a good number of these poor introverts. Though I’m sure most of them avoid me like the plague I would like to formally apologize for any mental scars I may have left you with.

I want to assure all my introverts that I didn’t realize I was making you as uncomfortable as a claustrophobic person stuck in an elevator with a hoard of sumo wrestlers. I was simply trying to let you know that this was a safe place and you could feel comfortable to open up. Unfortunately I think the message I sent was, “RUN FOR YOUR LIFE, SHE WON’T GIVE UP, SHE WANTS TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU!”

Guys, I’m an extroverted person. I’m from New Brunswick for heaven’s sakes. Everyone knows everyone there and some of the first questions asked are, “Where are you from? Who are your parents? Are you married? What’s wrong with you, why aren’t you married?” Seriously, this is considered polite conversation. Yes, I moved about 16 years ago but that doesn’t mean my first instinct isn’t to delve into people’s personal lives.

I’ve realize the error of my ways however. I don’t know when I started to notice all the introverts. I guess I spent so much

Maybe if I don't move she won't see me...

Maybe if I don’t move she won’t see me…

time dating extroverts that one day I noticed the quiet person in the room and thought, ‘Huh, I wonder what they’re thinking.’

Also, a lot of my best friend’s are married to introverts. In fact, my current roommie, Bubbles, is engaged to one such introvert (congrats guys!). Before I had the privilege of meeting him personally I had heard he was very quiet and people couldn’t quite get a handle on him. This, of course, presented an exciting challenge; the opportunity to get to know someone that no one else could crack. This time I decided to change from my regular war tactics. Instead of jumping out of the bushes and screaming my war cry like a banshee I figured I would let him get comfortable around me. Eventually he would think I was just part of the scenery, not a dangerous creature who wanted to figure him out but someone who could be in the same room with him without trying to delve into his deepest, darkest, most terrifying stories. This of course would be classic misdirection, I wanted to know everything about him as soon as possible but I figured he would be much more likely to let me get close to this information if I seemed like I didn’t want it. If you would,  I would treat him like a cat. Act completely uninterested in him until he decided to come to me.

The result? It worked! Hot holy hell balls, it worked. I mean he didn’t tell me about the time his parents scared him for life but he did smile at me and he even talked a bit! And something else surprising happened, I was able to observe him as well. I gleaned insight into his steady character by just watching the way he observed others. He stayed close to my roommate but he enjoyed laughing at jokes, liked watching other people have fun, and he adored Bubbles. He looked at her like she was the most beautiful and amazing creature he had ever happened to stumble upon and he couldn’t believe he got to have his arm around her shoulders. It was beautiful. I liked him instantly.

Bubble’s fiance is now pretty comfortable around me. I don’t try to see what makes him cry and he doesn’t feel the need to shut down when he’s around me. It’s a good system.

Since this year is all about goals for me this is one thing I want to do more of. I want to give the introverts a chance to shine because the thing is, they do shine. In fact I would even say they shine the brightest once they trust you. They’re not always the easiest to get to know but they’re often extremely caring and really intuitive in ways you’d never imagine.

Life is all about changing in my opinion. We grow and learn every minute of the day, even when we don’t realize it. I can’t wait to find out more about all the quiet people. It might mean I have to change my tactics but I think they might be worth it.

<3

Thank you for reading beautiful people

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I got through the title of this and immediately became distracted by the internet. Seriously, have you BEEN on there lately? It’s a whole world of hilarious comics and cat pictures. Obviously you have since you’re reading this on the internet but honestly, check out those cat pics!

 

Anyways, where was I? Oh ya, changes! I started my last entry with a Pocahontas song, partially because apparently she’s part of my ancestry and also because Just Around the River Bend was a song that basically inspired me as a child. It may also have nourished the idea to never build any “roots” and constantly change my circumstances. Books tell me that’s part of commitment issues but I’m really not here to talk about that today. That comes later!

I promised you a faithful account of my current changing winds and that, my interweb friends, is what you’ll get.

I baked an apple today. Just like on Pinterest, swear to God. I cut out the middle and filled it with granola, put a tiny bit of butter on top and sprinkled it with brown sugar and let me tell you… It. Was. Phenomenal. I’ve always seen it done on Pinterest and dieting websites but i didn’t think it would actually be that good!

Also I worked out! I lasted about 25 minutes before the urge to throw up had me on the couch wishing I was dead but hey, I worked out dammit. This is the second time this week too! See, winds of change!

My idea of barefoot and pregnant in the kitchen

Seriously though, how cute is this!

 

The thing is, I’ve had a lot of pretty intense realizations since I broke up with my ex. I thought he was the one, you know. THE ONE. And I don’t even believe in “the one” as something that exists outside of movies made to make us hate ourselves. We just fit so perfectly as a couple. He never got tired of my “that’s what she said” jokes and he would sent me the most adorable and inappropriate memes. We had so much fun. But then things got pretty serious, we started talking about marriage and as per my last few relationships, that pretty much killed things.

It’s not the relationship ending that has me riding this wave of new beginnings though. Relationships end all the time and (get ready for that Commitment-Phobia – here on in referred to as “C-Phobe”) frankly I kind of expect it (again, we’ll deal with that one later. Let’s start off easy shall we?).

What I realized coming out of this relationship was that I can’t remember a time where I did something for me. I don’t mean that I’m the ultimate martyr here, I have a gold Starbucks card and have no problem getting myself something pretty. I mean I’m always in these relationships that, let’s face it, I don’t honestly believe in, yet for some reason continue to tailor my life around.

For example, my first BF (I was like 19) pretty much expected me to move to Montreal if things worked out between us and I didn’t really have a problem with the fact he expected me to uproot MY life even though he wasn’t willing to do the same thing for me. My second BF wanted me home, pregnant, and barefoot in the kitchen learning how to cook and clean from his beloved mother (shudder), and I went along with it even though I don’t want kids and the idea of having his Euro mom condescendingly teach me how to be her made me want to kill myself. Then we have serious BF #3, this latest one. Adorable and younger than me, also wanted children and to live out in the sticks while he put (here we go again) his mother’s needs before my own. Notice a pattern here? Obviously I need things to hit me in the face with a chair before I take any notice of them.

#I don't use hashtags properly

#truth

So here I am, 27 years old with 30 right around the corner and barely getting a handle on what I really want. As I look back I realize the issue is probably that I honestly don’t know what would make me happy in a relationship so when some guy comes along with this strong image of what he wants I figure, “hey, let’s give it a go!” It’s disturbingly reminiscent of Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride, except I don’t have her body and am 5’2.

So this is it, my journey starting at 27. I’m ready to take on the world and my own life, the good, the bad, and the ugly. Today was baked apple dessert and squats, tomorrow who knows? Every day is a chance to get to know myself better. To get closer to figuring out what makes me happy so I don’t get lost in someone else’s dreams again, only to wake up with a broken heart and a shattered life. I refuse to just ride other people’s motivation. I will search myself, I will search pinterest, and I will find my own damned motivation and carry it with me to the grave.

I do have some ideas for my future endeavors:

 

  • I love Spanish music/dancing so… get more into that!
  • Go to a shooting range and learn all about shiny guns.
  • Finally bake a pie… I don’t know why I never have.
  • Cook something new and different every week – today, baked apples, next week, WHO KNOWS!
  • Finally get that kick boxing bag and set it up in my livingroom.
  • Get to know someone unexpected, someone who I wouldn’t necessarily pick out of a crowd.
  • Maybe finally get some sort of hold on my sugar levels… maybe.
  • Get a freaking bed set, what am I, a college student!?
  • Finally put up pictures in my apartment.
  • Start jogging again. I loved it. I don’t know why I ever stopped.
  • Finish my novel.
  • Start my next novel.
  • Take a self defense class! Hi-ya!
  • Try out braids until I find one that doesn’t make my face look weird.

 

I think that’s it for now. This list is subject to change. I hope you all join me and maybe find something out about yourself along the way.

 

Ttyl beautiful people.

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